shaylyn

I am so ashamed of myself.  Since the last time I was on here… which was like in April or May, I have gained and I am up to 195. I know it is my medicine now and I don’t know what to do.  I have joined a gym but all I do there is walk a mile and ride the bike for a few miles. I eat ok… probably not the best (my new Nemesis is wheat thins.) I just feel ashamed, I can’t look at my body in the mirror without getting almost sick to my stomach.  I am surprised my husband can still make love to me. I would not if I were him. So here I am, back on here trying to find support for my third time.  This time I need to lose 60 lbs to get back to my goal weight.  I would be happy with just the 40 lbs I put on recenetly.  I am going to get my doctor to change my medicine to ones that do not have the side effects of gaining weight.

Ok… let me have it. Yell at me if you must but I am back.

I am about to go on vacation to see my family in Mississippi.  I only work two days this week and my brain is not with me. Plus I am so excited that I got the Twilight books in today and I can’t wait to start reading the first of four books on the plane on Wednesday.  I will probably start reading them before then…. Like tonight.

Ok enough life stuff. Diet wise I am doing good.  I forgot to step on the scale this morning so I can’t tell you if I lost any or not. My Hypothyroidism medicine makes me a little hyper and curbs my appetite. Or maybe it just makes me feel better and not so sluggish and tired all the time.  I had a terrible nights sleep last night, keep waking up. I know it is just the excitement of the trip.  Just wait… no sleep at all on Tuesday night I will be so excited.  It is not like I haven’t seen them in forever but I LOVE going home. I miss my family sooooooo much.

Anyway, I am sticking with my plan of joining the YMCA when I get back.  It is only $55 a month ($80 for the first month) and it has to be set up on direct withdrawal but I need to get out of the house to exercise. Doing it at home just isn’t working.  I get home and want to relax not work out. But if I stop by the Y on the way home, and it is on my way home, then I will work out for an hour before I get home and crash.

Ok, now to try and accomplish something today.  Well that is not fair I did get the e-blast notes out this morning. But I have to get the newsletter out today as well.

Have a great day everyone!

well there is good news and bad news all wrapped up in one.  The good news is I am on Sythyroid for my thyroid and because of my hypothyroidism I was gaining weight and not able to lose it… so this medicine will even out my thyroid and take that road block out of my way.

The bad news is I have hypothyroidism… see why I said it was good/bad news.

I am going home for Easter and that should be fun.  They have never seen me this big since last time they saw me I was 155 now as of this morning I am 179. That is a lot of difference. But starting when I get back… cause I am leaving on the 8th and returning on the 14th so there is no reason to start before then… I am joining the YMCA and starting to work out.  I have already started back on my diet and I hope that with all that I am gonna put into it that the pounds are gonna fall off. (at least that is what my Mama says)

So here I am again, starting over, again. but I am not giving up.  I will be happy with my body one of these days.  I don’t have to be 130 again although I would love to be, but 140-150 would be a nice even area.  Right now my first mini goal is 170. I am not going to push myself to hard cause then I will give up.

So hopefully with this medicine and with my diet and workout plan I can lose the weight I want to .

Where do I start…

About the middle of October I quit dieting.  I don’t know why I just stopped. I went to McDonald’s twice a week if not more and ate a double cheeseburger with fries (at least I didn’t biggy size it) But I went so much the workers new what I was going to order. And that is bad. I gained all the weight that I had lost back and an extra 13 lbs.  I am very ashamed and almost did not come back to the site for help.

But here I am begging for forgiveness and slowing climbing back on the wagon.  You know New Year’s resolutions and all. I have lost 4 of the 13 lbs extra pounds already and I am doing well.

I am eating a big breakfast which you are supposed to do.  A healthy lunch consistent of a salad with chicken or if I must go out Subway. And for dinner it is a little under an ounce of chicken and fruit (an apple, a banana and for late night snack grapes) so I am getting all four of the food groups. I am not starving myself which to be totally honest was my first thought.  “Just eat very little and the weight will come off.” Well that is not what I am doing and I am not going back to my bulimic ways of binging and purging.  I am going to lose these 43 lbs the healthy way.

To all my friends who reached out to me while I was gone and I did not answer I am truly sorry.  I just was at a bad place and did not want to get the help.  But now I do.

I am not joining any challenges for that is too much pressure.  I will weigh every week and put it in my weight tracker.  I will try to post in the forum as much as possible and I will try to keep up my blog.

I hope everyone is doing well on their diets.  And keep up the good work.

Well I fell of the wagon and I am trying to get back on it.  I gain 5 lbs back… urgh. And today I finish off the cookies that were in my office so I would not just keep eating them… it was only 3 but they were so good.  I had grapes for morning and afternoon snack and chicken and rice plus a yogurt for lunch.

I pray that I can do this.  Exercising is so hard cause I come home so tired. I have got to find my motivation again.  Cause it is all gone.  The pills did not help a bit if anything they contributed to my weight gain cause I was no paying attention to what I ate because I was on them.

On a happy note I got to see Alanis Moressette in concert on Saturday night and it was awesome. Anyway back to the grind of work.

Well I am bummed not only can I not seem to get past this 155 and make it to my goals for Halloween and Christmas, but I found out today I can’t have to work done on my teeth that I want done for a year due to a clause in my insurance policy.

Plus, because I made a mistake about 5 years ago and stole some money from my work and got convicted for it, I technically am a convicted felon, now I find out with only 1 year left on probation I have to submit a DNA test. I guess Minnesota is catching up with the times. Anyway that to me is not a big deal but that means taking a personal day off of work cause my boss does not know and I am not going to go “boss I need to take a day off to get a DNA test because I got convicted of a felony for stealing from a previous employer.” Not good for my job.  Good news is I need to set up another appointment and I will just take the day to do that.

Please don’t judge me… we all make mistakes and I was at a bad place, un-medicated  Bi-polar and did some stupid stuff back then that I am still paying for… like getting some tattoos that now I regret and have to save up the money to get them removed.  So much money is needed and so little is there…lol. I think we are all like that.  Why can’t I have a rich aunt that I never knew about leave me money…lol.

I have been so bad on my diet today, out of discouragement I know. I had my comfort food of McDonalds #3. Double cheese burger, fries and of course the Diet Coke… that’s a laugh… a diet coke with all of that. 

Anyway, do any of you like Alanis Moriessette?  This is a song that is so true to me… I think of my ex-husband when I hear it because if it wasn’t for the things we did that triggered me going to therapy I may have never found out I was Bi-Polar so here are the words.. .maybe you can relate… maybe not.

I’ve been most unwilling
To see this turmoil of mine
The thought of sitting with this
Has me paralyzed

With this prolonged exposure
To near and averted eyes
I think that I’ve been waiting
Such mileage for empathizing

Now I see the madness in me
Is brought out in the presence of you
Now I know the madness lives on
When you’re not in the room
Though I’d love to blame you for all
I’d miss these moments of opportune
You simply brought this madness to light
And I should thank you

Oh, thank you
Much thanks for this bird’s eye view
Oh, thank you
For your most generous triggers

It’s been all too easy
To cross my arms and roll my eyes
The thought of dropping all arms
Leaves me terrified
And now I see the madness in me
Is brought out in the presence of you
Now I know the madness lives on
When you’re not in the room
Though I’d love to blame you for all
I’d miss these moments of opportune
You simply brought this madness to light
And I should thank you

Oh, thank you
Much thanks for this bird’s eye view
Oh, thank you
For your most generous triggers

I’d have to give up knowing
And give up being right
You, inadvertent hero
You, angel in disguise

And now I see the madness in me
Is brought out in the presence of you
And now I know the madness lives on
When you’re not in the room
And though I’d love to blame you for all
I’d miss these moments of opportune
You simply brought this madness to light
And I should thank you

Oh, thank you
Much thanks for this bird’s eye view
Oh, thank you
For your most generous triggers

Well my coworker finally pushed me to the point of involving the boss. He is the e-mail I sent him:

“I have an issue that needs to be addressed. I will not tolerate being yelled at by Amanda. This is a place of business and there is no room for that kind of behavior. Over the past year I have watched her bully you by yelling at you; I have seen her temper tantrums which have lead to her walking out of the office or slamming her office door and this behavior is unacceptable in a place of business. Now she had decided to bully me with her temper tantrums. Once again, I will not tolerate being bullied. Now I am not sure how you will handle this without causing conflict within the office but she needs to be told that it is unacceptable behavior and I am willing to do what it takes to get things resolved. This is in its purist form harassment. I have let this get to this point for fear of retribution  from her and also fear of losing my job  but I am to the point where my well being and satisfaction in my job out ways my fear of retribution.

Please don’t answer to quickly. Take time to think this through. I am by no means saying it is her or me, I am just saying she needs to understand she cannot treat people with disrespect.”

Here is his response:

” I will think this through carefully.  You know that that I am conflict adverse. Having said that, I will think through some strategy as I don’t want you to leave. You are a valuable employee and I appreciate very much your work ethic and loyalty.  Perhaps we can have lunch and talk about this. Again let me think though this somewhat.

Thanks for  your Email.”

 I think I made my point clear and I think his response is appropriate for now.  If nothing is done within a week I will send him another e-mail and if nothing is done after that I will e-mail the Executive board of Directors. I don’t what to get them involved but I will if I have to.

Let me know what you guys think.  Did my letter sound good.

Well it is the last day and things are still in an upheaval. Traffic is still terrible. The protesters are still out and today has been promised to be one of the worst days for that. We have not had any problems where I work and I am thankful for that.

Diet wise I am doing good.  Breakfast consist of a banana and special K cereal, morning snack will be a low fat yogurt, lunch a salad and a low fat yogurt, afternoon snack strawberries and grapes.

Hope everyone has a great day!

Due to the RNC it took me 2 hours to get home last night, a trip that normally takes 45 minutes to a hour depending on traffic. I was tired and irritable by the time I got home but I exercised still.  My legs hurt this morning from the workout.  Which means it is doing some good although my scale has not moved yet… it is only Wednesday and you can lose a pound in one day.  I am hoping that the pills/exercise start showing results soon.

I had a good breakfast, a banana and a bowl of special K with skim milk (which is the only kind I will use, the other is just to thick for my taste). I have a  banana for afternoon snack and Salmon with a little rice for lunch and a yogurt and then watermelon and grapes for afternoon snack.  I seem to be more hungry in the afternoon than in the morning… I don’t understand why but I plan appropriately.

Well of to another good day.

The RNC (Republican National Convention) is here in St. Paul just a few blocks from my work.  Security is tight, we have to wear our badges all day long and we can have no visitors.  Yesterday, thank god I did not have to work because there were a lot of protesters. The anarchist even broke windows at Macys which is like 2 blocks from where I work. They turned over park benches, slashed the tires on a news van and even broke windows on a police car. The police had to gas a few times and use their pepper spray to keep from getting trampled.  The police took around 300 people into custody yesterday. 300…. That is a lot of people.  But they said there were over 1000 protesters.  Thank god I work on the 15^th floor; I don’t think we will have any trouble up here. The only concern is when we leave. There could be protesters that block us in or at least get in our way. It is kind of scary, and defiantly exciting. To be right smack dab in the middle of the RNC is awesome. And the President will be here.  Now whether or not you like him, it is kind of cool to have him here right in our city and only blocks away from us.  My co-worker and her husband are not even coming into the cities this week. They are both working from home.  Wish I could but someone has to be here to answer the phones.

Diet wise I am doing well. I started using a new diet pill. It is called SlimQuick. It is for women only, suppose to help target the areas where we gain weight the most.  I will let you guys know how it goes.  I will tell you this; it curbs the appetite and gives you loads of energy. Plus I am starting to drink green tea because I heard that increases weight loss and I am working out for 20 to 30 minutes a day on the Air Climber. I just need a little help right now with losing weight. I have hit a plateau of 153 and I just can’t seem to get past it.  So wish me luck with the new diet.