shaylyn

Ok… here I go. No one will understand this and I know you said you will not judge but I know some of you will and most of you will think I am an idiot for this.

My husband wants a child. I cannot give him one since I had a hysterectomy when I was 25 due to some problems I was having. It was my life or my uterus. So you see which one I chose.

Before we got married I knew he wanted a child, I love him so much that I made an agreement that I don’t know if I can stick to and do not know if I will need to. It may never happen.  I agreed that when the time can for him to decide he was going to have this child he could have a girl-friend and they could have a baby together. My intentions were good my head said I could do it but now my heart says I can’t handle it.

The time has NOT come YET. But it could this week, next week, a month from now, a year from now. I don’t know and neither does he. Right now he says he is fine with it just being us and he is ok with not having a child but that may not always be.

So I told him my fears last night. Told him that I was afraid of losing him to this girl, afraid I could not handle it, and wondering what would happen to me while he was wooing this other woman. Well he told me to not even think about it right now and that IF the time came she would know about me and have to be alright about the fact that he would never leave me.

There are so many flaws in his plan that I don’t see how it would work anyway. He has to find a girl that is willing to have a relationship with a married man knowing that he will not leave his wife. Willing to have a baby by this man knowing he will not even then leave his wife and willing to let him have joint custody with her. She is going to have to be pretty secure in herself or stupid.

So go ahead a judge him, judge me. I know I should have never made the deal but then we would not be married or maybe not even together. Some days he says he is happy with just us and some days he talks about how he will raise this child. I don’t know what I will do or how I will handle this but I know if I truly love him I will be able to deal with it.

Ever have on of those things that you know is going to happen and you don’t know if you can really handle it. You build it up in your mind to the point that your stomach hurts and you almost want to cry. The funny thing is you think it is going to happen but you don’t know for a fact. You don’t know how you are going to handle it… fall apart or pick your self up by the boot straps and just move on.

I am at that place. It is a situation I can’t talk about in plain text. It is something that could happen, but maybe not. There is a stronger chance that it will and I just don’t know if I can handle it. To think about it… like right now…. I want to cry and nothing has happened yet.  I know this sound cryptic but it is the best I can do right now to explain it.

All I ask of my buddies is to be there for me if this thing happens, understand that it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and pray for me to make it threw.  

Well another day another dollar! Isn’t that the old saying?

I did well on Saturday with my diet but Sunday I really blew it. I had ice cream before the movie and Chicken tenders at bowling later that night. The only good thing was it was all before 7. Does bowling count as exercise? If so then I got some in. We went to see Batman and then went bowling and had a blast. I am back on my diet today and hoping I do well. A good breakfast of a banana and oatmeal and then a Special K snack bar for my mid morning snack that will hold me over until lunch. I brought tuna and crackers for lunch. Another snack bar for afternoon snack and they (I don’t know what) but a healthy dinner.

I have to cancel my physical therapy appointment for my TMD due to the fact that my insurance only pays for 40% of it. I already have to pay almost $500 for my mouth guard; thank goodness we have a medical reimbursement program in place to where it pays for all of that. But I just can’t afford to pay $31 dollar twice a week for the physical therapy plus $25 twice a week for my chiropractor and I think that one is more important right now. I can do my TMD exercises at home and hopefully that will help. I have improved a little since I started them. I have not told my husband this yet. Because I just checked the BCBS website to see if they had paid for a visit yet and they did. I will tell him when he calls me at lunch.

We bought an internet card for my son who will be off at college soon. He is at his grandma’s house and it is an hour away from where he is going to college in Mississippi. When I bought the card I asked the sales person if it would work in there in Mississippi and she said wherever he can use his phone it will work…. WRONG. We spent 4 hours on the phone with Verizon trying to make it work. Now he will have to use the internet at his school if he can and we have to get out of a two year contract with Verizon. My husband will have to work on that. I don’t think they will take the card back since we took of the UPC code (if that is what it is called) for the rebate and all. So I think we are stuck with a card we don’t need and my husband has to fight with Verizon to try and get out of the deal.  FUN FUN.

Ok… back to the grind of work… I have taken enough time off. I really don’t want to work today. I would rather stay on here… post on the forum and read and comment on blogs. But you know, you have to make a living.

I have to write this or I may lose it today thinking about it with no one to talk to. The first part is going to sound vain it isn’t it is just how I used to be… confident.

I used to be skinny. I used to not worry about guys thinking I look good. I used to get looked at on the bus and at restaurants in a good way. I used to be able to wear what ever I wanted and it look good on me. I used to not step on a scale and say shit not again. I used to not worry about my husband looking at other women because I knew I looked as good as them.

But now, I worry about how my clothes fit and how I look in them. I don’t get looked at and smiled at. I get the look and the look away. I worry about being attractive and I worry about my husband thinking I am still attractive. I worry when he looks at other women I worry that he is thinking “why can’t I be with her”. I look at others and think, “Why can’t I be like her again” I hate to look in the mirror and see the weight on my face. I hate putting on clothes and seeing my tummy sticking out. I hate being naked cause I hate the way I look. I hate that my clothes are in the double digits. I hate myself today.

Ok, now that I have got that out I hope I can start to feel better. Because of these thoughts all I had for dinner was a yogurt last night and I know that is not good for me. I was just so upset with the way I looked yesterday that eating was repulsive to me.  I thought that everything I put in my mouth went to my fat on my body and just added more. I did eat a banana and oatmeal for breakfast but I had to force myself to do that. I did dress up to try and make myself feel better. But the clothes don’t fit like I want them to.  I have never been small breasted so I am used to wearing medium to larger shirts but my pants being in the double digits is really bothering me. I am heavier than I was when I was pregnant and then I had a reason to be fat… a baby. Now I am just fat. There I said it. I did not sugar coat it or anything I am just fat. Once I get that I think it will add to my determination to lose the weight.

I don’t know how to close this blog because I don’t want to stop writing but I have to go to work. So I will just say bye…. bye

Work is crazy…. let me try to explain what is going on.

First we are a non-profit association with a board of directors. This board consist of two different groups. One is the executive board and the other are just board members. Altogether we have 33 board members but the executive board consists of only 12 members. Twice a year the full board meets and twice a year the only the executive board meets. That make four board meetings a year. Now that was background.

Our chair of the board is Laura. We had the next meeting which is only an executive board meeting schedule for August 21st. But she cannot make that date so we have to move the meeting. We first to get 12 busy people to meet is a task because we have to work around all their schedules so we shot out an e-mail asking the availability between two dates. We got it narrowed down to one. Now mind you that was after one e-mail from the president to all the board members as a whole then a personalized e-mail to the individuals that I did not hear from that I sent out then for those who I had not hear from via e-mail I had to call.

During this whole time I am e-mailing back and forth with the Laura regarding who was coming and who was not able to make it. Then she wants a executive committee meeting which means no staff in the room some time during or before the meeting with the staff (cause we actually do the presentations during the meeting.)

So all this to say I spent over 4 hours on this yesterday and I was exhausted after it was all done….. but it is not done… now Laura wants to have a conference call with me and Buzz the president to discuss the meeting.

Plus during all of this I am trying to get my normal work done and working on the quarterly news letter. So have I eaten… when I can.

Well now I need to get back to the grind. I hope everyone has a great day including me.

I am going to get my frustration out. We had this car that got reposed during a bad time in our life. It sold for less than the loan was for so we have had to pay the loan off. At first we were sending payment to them threw western union because they kept trying to get the money out of a closed account that I had before I got married. So then they offered us a deal to pay it off at half the price, so we jumped on it. All we have to do is make 3 more payments at a rate a little higher than we were paying. So I gave them the new account information and we set up these payments to come directly out of the joint account. Well the money was suppose to come out on the 17^th and it hadn’t so I called my contact at the collection agency and he said it was posted I should see it come out tonight or tomorrow. Well then I get a call from him saying the charge came back NSF. The money is there plus some so I asked which account they are drawing it from and guess what! It is the old closed account again. After I gave them all the information they did not input it correctly and they tried to take it out of the old account.  I have to now call back tonight… because of course I don’t have a check book on me and give them the account information AGAIN. I am frustrated. These people cannot get their act together. I already had to write to the corporate headquarters once to get them to stop charging me NSF fees when I told them the account was closed. Now am I going to have to write again? I want to scream! I need to scream! I need to walk outside and scream! 

I am happy with my progress so far. I lost 4 of the 5 pounds that I had put on. Now to keep up the good work.

I did a no no today and got a slushy from Caribou. That is my weakness. But I figure it was ok since I ate my oatmeal and banana for breakfast and my tuna and crackers for lunch. And I will watch what I eat for dinner to make up for the 270 calories in that nice little slushy. 

My husband is behind in the race. For those who don’t know it we are in a completion to see who loses the most weight. I have got him by two pounds so far. My therapist says that may have been the motivation that I needed to get serious about losing the weight instead of doing it half assed.

I went to physical therapy today for my TMD. It is funny to do the exercises but I think they are working. I can open my mouth wider than before. I have to go twice a week for three weeks per my doctor and then we will see what my mouth is like before we schedule anymore. It is killing me taking 2 hours off twice a week to go but my boss understands.

I am going to the chiropractor today after work. I am just all about feeling better. I want to schedule a massage for one of these days. I might take a day off in the next few weeks and when I do I will schedule it for that day if I can. I figure as bad as my back is I will have to go once a week after work for awhile.

My son is laptop searching today. He is getting all of his stuff in order to go off to college. Can you believe my oldest is that old? I feel like I just got out of college. I don’t feel like I have an 18 year old. I guess that is good.

Anyway I am alone in the office. My boss and coworker are at a meeting with some of our members and I get to stay in and answer the phone which has wrung only once all day and that was a wrong number. So it is quiet around here. I am having a good time getting all of my work done and writing on here.

Well I better get back to work…. See ya!

So I haven’t been here in two days. Things have been CRAZY at work and by the time I get home I don’t want to look at a computer. Big projects all day for two day and again today but I thought I would take the time to write.

Diet is going good. I don’t know if I have lost any weight but I know I have not gained any. The bad thing about being so busy is yesterday I forgot to eat lunch, I worked right threw it. And I know buddies that is not good for you because I ate like there was no tomorrow when I got home. BUT…. I ate healthy. I am not snacking as much as I used to just one snack mid morning and one mid afternoon so that I don’t gorge myself at dinner time. That is when I remember to eat. Keep this up and I will lose but not the right way. It’s like you lose weight when you are sick but the minute you get better you put it right back on. I can’t believe how not dieting for two weeks can put what you have taken off right back on. It sucks.

I haven’t had time to exercise. I have been so exhausted when I get home that all I want to do is cuddle with my hubby, good thing is he likes to cuddle too.

Anyway, I better get started on this project if I want to have it done in time to go home at noon.  Have a good day everyone!

Thank you for all the support yesterday when I was struggling so much. I made it threw the day without a snack and did not gorge myself for dinner. I did however bring a snack for today for that 3:00 time when I need one. But it is a 90 calorie special K snack bar and that should help me threw.

Last night my husband and I weighed in and wouldn’t you know it we weigh the same. We started out the same. Lost 5 pounds each and then gained it back. So here goes the competition. 

I drank 6 glasses of water yesterday and I am gonna try to drink 8 today. I only had one pop which is a goal for me since I normally have at least 2 if not 3 a day. I have already had 2 cups of coffee and that is where I am stopping with that and one glass of water and it is only 8:40 am. Plus I did have my protien shack for breakfast. My husband make it for me each morning…. ain’t he great.

Ok on to a great day at work (positive thinking) and a great diet day.

I am writing instead of eating. Mornings are ok for me it is the afternoons that kill me. I have eaten lunch and my body says FEED ME!!!

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!! Support I need it now!

The good news is I did not bring anything to snack on so I would have to leave my desk and go to the store down the hall and that wont happen because I am busy. When I go and take the mail and the deposit I walk right past it. But I will make sure I don’t have any money on me or I will buy a candy bar.

Ok buddies I need you to gather around me and help me get threw this afternoon.