Answer to confusing blog… please don’t judge.
Ok… here I go. No one will understand this and I know you said you will not judge but I know some of you will and most of you will think I am an idiot for this.
My husband wants a child. I cannot give him one since I had a hysterectomy when I was 25 due to some problems I was having. It was my life or my uterus. So you see which one I chose.
Before we got married I knew he wanted a child, I love him so much that I made an agreement that I don’t know if I can stick to and do not know if I will need to. It may never happen. I agreed that when the time can for him to decide he was going to have this child he could have a girl-friend and they could have a baby together. My intentions were good my head said I could do it but now my heart says I can’t handle it.
The time has NOT come YET. But it could this week, next week, a month from now, a year from now. I don’t know and neither does he. Right now he says he is fine with it just being us and he is ok with not having a child but that may not always be.
So I told him my fears last night. Told him that I was afraid of losing him to this girl, afraid I could not handle it, and wondering what would happen to me while he was wooing this other woman. Well he told me to not even think about it right now and that IF the time came she would know about me and have to be alright about the fact that he would never leave me.
There are so many flaws in his plan that I don’t see how it would work anyway. He has to find a girl that is willing to have a relationship with a married man knowing that he will not leave his wife. Willing to have a baby by this man knowing he will not even then leave his wife and willing to let him have joint custody with her. She is going to have to be pretty secure in herself or stupid.
So go ahead a judge him, judge me. I know I should have never made the deal but then we would not be married or maybe not even together. Some days he says he is happy with just us and some days he talks about how he will raise this child. I don’t know what I will do or how I will handle this but I know if I truly love him I will be able to deal with it.
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First of all what you two adults do in your marriage is your business. I think though that he should repsect your feelings and maybe come up with another option than getting a girlfriend. Ever thought about adoption or getting a surrogant mother to carry the child. I think that you both need to discuss this more in depth. Good luck and God bless.
there are other ways he can become a father without having to have a mistress. There is adoption and a surraget if you still have your ovaries. These options would be so much better than him leading a double life with you and whom ever. You really need to be careful and think things out. God Bless.
Hey girl ((hugs)) - thank you for putting it all out there. I was worried about you. I think that everything will turn out the way it should. I think it can happen - hey, all that could have happened anyway someday, with the lies and deceit that usually comes with it….sounds like you both are open and honest….and who knows maybe another option will open up for you guys…have faith and it will happen -
I agree with iffer….this is your life…and that of hubby…and your both adults….ya’ll need to do what works for ya’ll. I dont know about everyone else….but, I am only here to give support and have support…people on here are wonderful…while everyone may not agree at times…I dont think you could ask for more loving people…so write away…and while we cant change problems…we can be here to say…hang in there girl…or we’re thinking of you…whatever. Not judging you or your hubby..I just wish you and him all the happiness married life can bring…
Hi, you did what you had to do & losing the chance to have children is major in my book, so I admire you for getting through that! I also understand your reasons for your agreement - its almost like you are/were being fair to his rights to children. You hear of people, where partners have taken a second girlfriend / wife to have children, while still also being with the first partner - its very difficult and will especially be on you. I don’t believe I could live in such a trio. I applaud you for talking to your husband about how you feel , even though you may think you have gone back on your word - you are human, it happens and less face it the agreement is difficult one to stick to, for anyone of you. I too would encourage discussing options like surrogacy and adoption - discuss it early on and it gives your husband time to think about it ahead of when he feels like I need a child. Hang in there - be patient, see were communication takes you.
Wow, that is a difficult position. I’m glad you two are able to discuss it, openness and honesty can make or break this kind of a situation. Whatever happens, remember that you alway did what you thought was best at the time!
We often make decisions like that, where at the time they sound good to us but then over time our feelings change. No one can rightly judge you for that. I don’t blame you for changing your mind though, I know that is something I couldn’t do. Why not surrogacy? At least then there is no emotional attachment, even though you know that it is another woman’s child. Like others here have said, talk about your options early on and I am glad that you’re being honest with your husband now.
Hi there, I’m not about to judge you either. I may even be able to help you (not that I want to be your husbands girlfriend, lol). I was a surrogate for a couple last year. They were in the same boat you were. We used the husbands sperm and my egg without having a sexual relationship. This is something that can be done at home (although it is advised that you use a doctor.) It can be very expensive, or it can be very cheap. I have chosen to not have contact with the family or the baby and from the beginning I was just the oven for the bun so to speak. If you would like more info or have any questions, please feel free to email me. I used a website to find a couple that I thought would have the same personality as me and it worked out really well. Both the mom and dad of the baby I was carrying were involved from the very beginning. I certainly can understand your reservations about your hubby having a girlfriend, but can also see why you would have offered it to him. I wish you the best of luck in whatever your decision.
*Hugs*
Anj
Everyone has given you some great advice.Surrogacy sounds like the best option. Do you or your husband know anything about surrogacy?It is a blessing for many who want children. Good Luck sweetie-allthe best to you both.
I think a woman has a right to change her mind. It probably sounded real good when you made the agreement but that doesn’t mean it’s carved in stone. Surrogacy is one thing but you mention him having a “relationship” with someone else one day and that may not be so cool after all. You have a right to change your mind on how he goes about having a baby. Plus like you said, he would have to find someone willing to share custody and they would have to be ok with him not leaving his wife and all that and he may never find someone like that anyway. And don’t worry about being judged. I bet we all have secrets that would seem strange to others too.
yeah, i am with you, i could never handle having my husband have a girlfriend. i just would not be able to do that — i think even surrogacy would be difficult for me — hubby’s baby but not mine…
have you checked into adoption? there are so many babies out there that need good homes…. it wouldn’t be “either” of your actual “blood” but it would be BOTH of your baby. i have some friends that went to Russia for a newborn… so many babies that would otherwise never have a chance for a normal life.
praying for you and this difficult decision.
Shaylyn for me to judge you that would mean I was without faults “LMHO” (laughing my head off) because I know that sure isn’t the case. It would also mean that I know what is in your heart and that would be ridiculous too! Nobody can or should ever judge you. I do not know what I would do in your situation because my way of thinking is not necessarily yours. I can only speak for myself when I say I guess I am very selfish because I have to have my husband’s heart and soul because he gets mine. To make an agreement like that with my husband would mean for me, having to share him with someone else and I personally cannot do that. My faith plays a big role in who I am also so that scenario for me/us would not work. The only option for he and I would be adoption. I will pray that you will be enlightened and your hubby as well as to what you should do if anything. I would be very concerned about bringing a third party into the relationship where your relationship with your husband is concerned as well as what affect that situation would have on a child. Luv Ya! sista!
Wow - You are much more “grown up” about this than I would be. But I think you are doing well to reach out to people who will not judge you and who just give you advice from their hearts and from their own varied experiences. Personally, I think you should read harleygirl’s post very closely. It would make a lot of sense for y’all to use a surrogate - then you and your husband would have a child to raise TOGETHER without some “other woman” to deal with. The option is out there.