I pray that I can do this.  Exercising is so hard cause I come home so tired. I have got to find my motivation again.  Cause it is all gone.  The pills did not help a bit if anything they contributed to my weight gain cause I was no paying attention to what I ate because I was on them.

On a happy note I got to see Alanis Moressette in concert on Saturday night and it was awesome. Anyway back to the grind of work.

Plus, because I made a mistake about 5 years ago and stole some money from my work and got convicted for it, I technically am a convicted felon, now I find out with only 1 year left on probation I have to submit a DNA test. I guess Minnesota is catching up with the times. Anyway that to me is not a big deal but that means taking a personal day off of work cause my boss does not know and I am not going to go “boss I need to take a day off to get a DNA test because I got convicted of a felony for stealing from a previous employer.” Not good for my job.  Good news is I need to set up another appointment and I will just take the day to do that.

Please don’t judge me… we all make mistakes and I was at a bad place, un-medicated  Bi-polar and did some stupid stuff back then that I am still paying for… like getting some tattoos that now I regret and have to save up the money to get them removed.  So much money is needed and so little is there…lol. I think we are all like that.  Why can’t I have a rich aunt that I never knew about leave me money…lol.

I have been so bad on my diet today, out of discouragement I know. I had my comfort food of McDonalds #3. Double cheese burger, fries and of course the Diet Coke… that’s a laugh… a diet coke with all of that. 

Anyway, do any of you like Alanis Moriessette?  This is a song that is so true to me… I think of my ex-husband when I hear it because if it wasn’t for the things we did that triggered me going to therapy I may have never found out I was Bi-Polar so here are the words.. .maybe you can relate… maybe not.

I’ve been most unwilling
To see this turmoil of mine
The thought of sitting with this
Has me paralyzed

With this prolonged exposure
To near and averted eyes
I think that I’ve been waiting
Such mileage for empathizing

Now I see the madness in me
Is brought out in the presence of you
Now I know the madness lives on
When you’re not in the room
Though I’d love to blame you for all
I’d miss these moments of opportune
You simply brought this madness to light
And I should thank you

Oh, thank you
Much thanks for this bird’s eye view
Oh, thank you
For your most generous triggers

It’s been all too easy
To cross my arms and roll my eyes
The thought of dropping all arms
Leaves me terrified
And now I see the madness in me
Is brought out in the presence of you
Now I know the madness lives on
When you’re not in the room
Though I’d love to blame you for all
I’d miss these moments of opportune
You simply brought this madness to light
And I should thank you

Oh, thank you
Much thanks for this bird’s eye view
Oh, thank you
For your most generous triggers

I’d have to give up knowing
And give up being right
You, inadvertent hero
You, angel in disguise

And now I see the madness in me
Is brought out in the presence of you
And now I know the madness lives on
When you’re not in the room
And though I’d love to blame you for all
I’d miss these moments of opportune
You simply brought this madness to light
And I should thank you

Oh, thank you
Much thanks for this bird’s eye view
Oh, thank you
For your most generous triggers

“I have an issue that needs to be addressed. I will not tolerate being yelled at by Amanda. This is a place of business and there is no room for that kind of behavior. Over the past year I have watched her bully you by yelling at you; I have seen her temper tantrums which have lead to her walking out of the office or slamming her office door and this behavior is unacceptable in a place of business. Now she had decided to bully me with her temper tantrums. Once again, I will not tolerate being bullied. Now I am not sure how you will handle this without causing conflict within the office but she needs to be told that it is unacceptable behavior and I am willing to do what it takes to get things resolved. This is in its purist form harassment. I have let this get to this point for fear of retribution  from her and also fear of losing my job  but I am to the point where my well being and satisfaction in my job out ways my fear of retribution.

Please don’t answer to quickly. Take time to think this through. I am by no means saying it is her or me, I am just saying she needs to understand she cannot treat people with disrespect.”

Here is his response:

” I will think this through carefully.  You know that that I am conflict adverse. Having said that, I will think through some strategy as I don’t want you to leave. You are a valuable employee and I appreciate very much your work ethic and loyalty.  Perhaps we can have lunch and talk about this. Again let me think though this somewhat.

Thanks for  your Email.”

 I think I made my point clear and I think his response is appropriate for now.  If nothing is done within a week I will send him another e-mail and if nothing is done after that I will e-mail the Executive board of Directors. I don’t what to get them involved but I will if I have to.

Let me know what you guys think.  Did my letter sound good.

Diet wise I am doing good.  Breakfast consist of a banana and special K cereal, morning snack will be a low fat yogurt, lunch a salad and a low fat yogurt, afternoon snack strawberries and grapes.

Hope everyone has a great day!

I had a good breakfast, a banana and a bowl of special K with skim milk (which is the only kind I will use, the other is just to thick for my taste). I have a  banana for afternoon snack and Salmon with a little rice for lunch and a yogurt and then watermelon and grapes for afternoon snack.  I seem to be more hungry in the afternoon than in the morning… I don’t understand why but I plan appropriately.

Well of to another good day.

The RNC (Republican National Convention) is here in St. Paul just a few blocks from my work.  Security is tight, we have to wear our badges all day long and we can have no visitors.  Yesterday, thank god I did not have to work because there were a lot of protesters. The anarchist even broke windows at Macys which is like 2 blocks from where I work. They turned over park benches, slashed the tires on a news van and even broke windows on a police car. The police had to gas a few times and use their pepper spray to keep from getting trampled.  The police took around 300 people into custody yesterday. 300…. That is a lot of people.  But they said there were over 1000 protesters.  Thank god I work on the 15^th floor; I don’t think we will have any trouble up here. The only concern is when we leave. There could be protesters that block us in or at least get in our way. It is kind of scary, and defiantly exciting. To be right smack dab in the middle of the RNC is awesome. And the President will be here.  Now whether or not you like him, it is kind of cool to have him here right in our city and only blocks away from us.  My co-worker and her husband are not even coming into the cities this week. They are both working from home.  Wish I could but someone has to be here to answer the phones.

Diet wise I am doing well. I started using a new diet pill. It is called SlimQuick. It is for women only, suppose to help target the areas where we gain weight the most.  I will let you guys know how it goes.  I will tell you this; it curbs the appetite and gives you loads of energy. Plus I am starting to drink green tea because I heard that increases weight loss and I am working out for 20 to 30 minutes a day on the Air Climber. I just need a little help right now with losing weight. I have hit a plateau of 153 and I just can’t seem to get past it.  So wish me luck with the new diet.

Well it is Monday. Thing between me and hubby are better. He still brings it up and when he does you can tell he is not totally over it. But one day at a time right?

We did have a good weekend. He cleaned the house on Thursday when he was off work and on Saturday I did the laundry. We watched a movie on Saturday Night and went to a local festival here in Minnesota. I totally blew my diet there, but I guess that is ok for special events. The main thing I blew was the ice cream and cheese cake. If not for that I would have been ok.

I am back to the grind again today.  My day started with an online/ call in training on the new website for payroll. It was interesting and informative. Now I wait for my payroll implement specialist to call with my user name and password. Then walk me through the first payroll that I have done online and then I will be good to go from that point forward.

My bi-polar group is starting back up tonight.  I am so excited, but I am tired as well.  I have cut back on the coffee and started drinking more water and I can tell that my pick-me-up is gone.  So I am drinking a diet pop to see if that helps. It is only 9:30 am and I have had 4 glasses of water already.

I did lose 2 lbs this week.  I am closer to my mini goal.  I wish I could lose 3 lbs this week and be at 150 by the end of the month.  I am going to workout extra hard and really watch my diet this week.  If people in my group can lose 6lbs in one week, I can lose 3. It should not be that hard. I said if I could concur 155 my stopping point and drop below it I should be on my way to more loss.  I feel like if I can just lose a little I will then start to lose a lot. Does that make any since? I feel like you plateau at points and once you get past that point then you lose quickly until your next point of plateau.  I hope that makes since… it may be totally wrong… but it is what I keep telling myself… lol.

Ok. I better get to work.  I don’t want to but I better.  Have a great day!  

I had a bad night.  I can home and the first thing my husband says is “we are going to get divorced over this”. Then he goes on to explain that my son went over in text messages by a little over 4000. This is going to cost us around $400. I cried, he talked… said he was going to take away his phone. I said “if you do that take away mine too and I will get a plan that he and I can be on.” He wasn’t too fond of that idea, if you take away my phone then he will not be able to reach me and know where I am at all times. Plus it would cost him between $300 and $400 to end the contract on both phones. He was not willing to pay that since I suggested that I take my money and he take his and we split the bills down the middle, he did not like that idea either since I make a little over twice as much as he does. He would be tight and I would be fine. So I cried all night. He made me call my son, who is at college, and tell him what he had done.  I did not want to lay that on Christopher cause he has enough to worry about with school. I cried threw that as well. Then I went to bed. He stayed up until I don’t know how late. We slept in our comfortable clothes, we normally sleep naked. This morning was hard. He didn’t kiss me goodbye or say I love you, he just said “I will call you later”.

So here I am at work… tired because I did not sleep well and I needed to. My eyes are all puffy from crying for hours and my head hurts. And I am so depressed I can’t even see straight. I don’t need advice just a shoulder to cry on and I don’t even have that.  We are a very inclusive family. I really don’t have any friends.  I might call my mom today and talk to her about it.  I don’t know if we will even have enough money to cover the bill. So I have that stress on top of the other stress. I only work ½ a day today so I am going to try and stick it out 4 hours is not too long and the first hour is almost over already.

Thanks for letting me talk to you guys about this.  I needed it.

1. Drink less pop

2. Drink plenty of water

3. Workout everyday for 30 min.

4. Eat healty

I have already started. Although the pastry I had for breakfast was not the best. The banana I had with it was good.  I have already had my first glass of water and I have grapes and Strawberries for snack and salad, a chicken breast and yogurt for lunch.  Not sure what I will eat for dinner yet. Planning lunch and snacks is hard enough.

Got a package off to my son who is at collage today. Some workout shorts and a belt which he needed badly. Also got a package off to my mom… her late birthday present.

Ok… that is all the updating I have to do… not a very exciting life I lead. Have a great day.